I Pledge to Myself

The scariest part of what I write is that it captures the thoughts that influence my personality. It is easy for me to pick up a pen and write lyrics/poetry that involves the concepts of loss and sorrow; pain and mistrust; misguidance and heartbreak. It makes me want to be more than that though. I want to break free from those thoughts and seriously sit down and appreciate all the good that has happened. The lies, manipulation, self-sabotage, and hurt that was inflicted on me and others around me. That is not who I am. I look back and remember the days I ran around town until 6am, drinking some cold beers with the craziest kids in town. How we all bonded over the same thing. We were all misguided and running away from something. Our connection lead to crazy nights riding in the bed of trucks, ghost riding, and sneaking into abandon hotels in Tracy. Or those nights were random groups of people would break into Pitman's pool and hide from security and sneak back out to run and hide. Laughing my ass off and needing Dalton to legit try to get me off the ground to having to leave me there cause there was no use in trying anymore. Or one of my favorite memories at Dalton's when my brother tried getting into the party but I had the boys deny entrance so he would not see me there but he saw me anyways and I lied my little ass off and acted like he was crazy. Then there was the time at The Falls... spray painting the wall and feeling that rush as the train was only feet away from us and one wrong step we could have been dragged in. I remember the night when I unconsciously fell in love with you. It was like a Romeo and Juliet relationship. We snuck off to meet each other since your sister would have killed me for even hanging out with you but we were just friends. I remember your friend flirting with me but my attention was always on you. So many parties, so many crazy ass adventures, so many boys, drama, and girl friends. So many good memories to last me a lifetime. But somehow the bad weighs heavier on my mind. This is my pact to myself to let go of my own negativity and be positive with myself. I help so many people, give them so much advice. I am always so damn cheerful around everyone, but now I want to for real feel something more deep down. I am going to make a difference in my own life. I pledge to be more grateful and cherish all the amazing moments in my life because so much bad can happen but so much good can actually heal the soul. 

When People say it's not really a Big Deal... It Actually Is.

my heart keeps pounding 

my mind keeps racing 

sitting here bouncing 

its a never ending battle 

some people think anxiety is a joke 

but mix it with changes in ones dopamine

you'll get a case of bad insomnia 

and writers block 

over-thinking 

over-analyzing 

over-rationalizing 

it's on an everyday basis 

but then theres a hint of impulsiveness 

jumping from one task to the next 

while getting distracted 

sometimes being a little impatient 

noticing all the small things around you 

noticing every gesture someone makes

hearing every conversation around you

just being aware of everything 

drive me fucking crazy 

I am never alone 

even when I am alone 

the funny thing is 

all my poetry is about being alone

physically and emotionally 

but then these fucking thoughts linger  

I just want a peace of fucking mind 

that steady heartbeat

without any worries in the world

yearning for real peace and quiet 

day dreaming 

when that day will come 

of being one with my soul