Faded

How did I get so lost in you
You were the one knocking on my door
Now I can't get enough of you
You left (you left) me wanting more

After a few
You pull me back in
After a few
You love me again
After a few
We be touching again
After a few
We be high off each other again

Now who am I kidding
Memories are fading
The knocks have faded
You are fading away

What did I do to be pushed away
You just (you just) walked away
There is nothing left to say
Maybe you'll be back another day

Sobriety Struck

You act like nothing's changed
As u entered the pool
Our eyes locked
Like no one else was there
My heart shattered
We smiled
As memories fluttered
But then sobriety struck

In that moment of intoxication,
Truth comes out
The smile on your face
The Tears in my eyes
This is real
This is real
What we once shared
That was real.

No longer drunk
It fades away
Nothing left to say
As sobriety struck.
Now you keep disappearing
Vanished in thin air
Left with no explanation
Left me in despair

Seeing you after a few
Takes me down memory lane
Thinking of you after a few
takes me down memory lane
Remember how is use to be
Knocking on my door
Remember how it use to be
Never being alone
You said I was the realist
You brought me joy
Now I'm sitting here sad
Now I'm sitting here sad

The thought of you destroys me,
Only when I'm drunk
The thought of me no longer lingers,
When sobriety struck.

I Pledge to Myself

The scariest part of what I write is that it captures the thoughts that influence my personality. It is easy for me to pick up a pen and write lyrics/poetry that involves the concepts of loss and sorrow; pain and mistrust; misguidance and heartbreak. It makes me want to be more than that though. I want to break free from those thoughts and seriously sit down and appreciate all the good that has happened. The lies, manipulation, self-sabotage, and hurt that was inflicted on me and others around me. That is not who I am. I look back and remember the days I ran around town until 6am, drinking some cold beers with the craziest kids in town. How we all bonded over the same thing. We were all misguided and running away from something. Our connection lead to crazy nights riding in the bed of trucks, ghost riding, and sneaking into abandon hotels in Tracy. Or those nights were random groups of people would break into Pitman's pool and hide from security and sneak back out to run and hide. Laughing my ass off and needing Dalton to legit try to get me off the ground to having to leave me there cause there was no use in trying anymore. Or one of my favorite memories at Dalton's when my brother tried getting into the party but I had the boys deny entrance so he would not see me there but he saw me anyways and I lied my little ass off and acted like he was crazy. Then there was the time at The Falls... spray painting the wall and feeling that rush as the train was only feet away from us and one wrong step we could have been dragged in. I remember the night when I unconsciously fell in love with you. It was like a Romeo and Juliet relationship. We snuck off to meet each other since your sister would have killed me for even hanging out with you but we were just friends. I remember your friend flirting with me but my attention was always on you. So many parties, so many crazy ass adventures, so many boys, drama, and girl friends. So many good memories to last me a lifetime. But somehow the bad weighs heavier on my mind. This is my pact to myself to let go of my own negativity and be positive with myself. I help so many people, give them so much advice. I am always so damn cheerful around everyone, but now I want to for real feel something more deep down. I am going to make a difference in my own life. I pledge to be more grateful and cherish all the amazing moments in my life because so much bad can happen but so much good can actually heal the soul. 

When People say it's not really a Big Deal... It Actually Is.

my heart keeps pounding 

my mind keeps racing 

sitting here bouncing 

its a never ending battle 

some people think anxiety is a joke 

but mix it with changes in ones dopamine

you'll get a case of bad insomnia 

and writers block 

over-thinking 

over-analyzing 

over-rationalizing 

it's on an everyday basis 

but then theres a hint of impulsiveness 

jumping from one task to the next 

while getting distracted 

sometimes being a little impatient 

noticing all the small things around you 

noticing every gesture someone makes

hearing every conversation around you

just being aware of everything 

drive me fucking crazy 

I am never alone 

even when I am alone 

the funny thing is 

all my poetry is about being alone

physically and emotionally 

but then these fucking thoughts linger  

I just want a peace of fucking mind 

that steady heartbeat

without any worries in the world

yearning for real peace and quiet 

day dreaming 

when that day will come 

of being one with my soul 

To a New Beginning

How is it that someone can write a book about how it is, or write a song about these feelings or dramas they have never experienced? After learning about Aristotle’s theory on Virtue, I begun to ponder everything I learned and came across. One becomes practically wise, phronetic, by learning from experience. They practice these experiences and do them repetitively. Gaining phronesis allows someone to gain virtue, but so does your characteristic activities. If one constantly does the right thing after learning what the right thing is by experiencing it they are virtuous. So why would we listen to the words of an unvirtuous person? Or more realistically, why would one want to listen to the words of one who does not even try to be virtuous, if one wants to argue the fact that it is hard to become completely virtuous.

So all of these personality theories about why people are the way they are really do not have complete liability to them, hence being theories. How can someone say how or why someone is the way they are without walking in their shoes? There is all of this talk about the norm when no one can actually say what the norm is. People are all wired differently. No DNA is the same. Even identical twins have differences although they share the same DNA. People can be similar, however, everyone’s thought process differs. Why do we constantly talk about what is right from what is wrong when everyone needs to experience the situation in order to be practically wise about it?

I am personally sick and tired of how weak I get over the fact that I do not think the way society wants me to think. I am always pleased at first that I am different from most. But then, I find myself squirming in my indifference that I eventually fall back to the bottom of the pit. Locked away in the emptiness of my mind, resisting any conformity within my thoughts, and somehow I am still questioning my individuality. Then a ray of light shines and as I reach for it, I see myself climbing up this unknotted rope. Effortlessly, I am escaping from this death trap I keep throwing myself into. Although I effortlessly doubt myself again and throw myself back into the bottom of the pit. It is a vicious cycle that is destroying me slowly. That is why I state that I am sick and tired of how weak I am getting over this insignificant society norm.

I want a new beginning, I want to be able to stay with my new found self. Why should I ever have to question myself to please another? At the end of the day who are they to me? They never walked a day in my shoes. They have never seen the things I have seen. Yes, they may have experienced something similar, or seen something similar to me, but that is the amazing thing about experiences and perception, no two people actually take it in the same way. Our brains are more complex than that and so is life and this world. The moment people grasp this concept, the concept that no two things will ever be alike, the moment that person will be able to see his or her own truth, to envision reality for themselves, and be able to examine their own reasons for why they are who they are and why they do what they do.

Shits Getting Crazy

It started with one
then they all followed
no originality
only conformity
Society has made a majority of us
it has formed our thoughts
our actions
guided all of our decisions
While millions are struggling with real life issues
millions starving, have no food...
millions are dying
these juveniles made it to the TV screens
fucking around
destroying public property
thinking they are hard
A handful followed that one group
destroying one of the most beautiful downtowns
all for what?
To show off
give society that middle finger
But little did they know
they proved that same society a point
This acting all cool, having Swag,
even with todays Rap, R&B, Pop, Todays Top 40 Bull Shit
has formed these "individuals"
into exactly what society expects us to be
A riot at Huntington Beach
started for what?
only ruining the chances for us young adults to have our respect
our freedom
these adults now look down upon us
judge us on these situations
watching these videos
disappointed on how many kept joining in
When shits getting crazy
take a stand
and just walk away
don't give it more fuel
just walk away